#3. Boston Casting for Kevin James

I got a call from a casting company for the first time. They needed a high school student for the Kevin James movie Here Comes the Boom. So they called me, the hairiest man there is, presumably because I auditioned for a high school student the last time they saw me.

In order to get ready I had to shave. I don't like shaving. If you look at my headshot, you can see that I'm not shaven. I maintain a consistent layer of stubble to keep me from looking so goulishly pale, and because I think it's cool. For me to have a shaven face is like an affront to nature. When you audition you are basically conveying all of your best qualities in a short period of time. For me to audition with a shaven face is like someone announcing their candidacy for President while opening fire into the crowd they are speaking to.

But I went ahead and did it until my skin was raw, moisturized that, and trimmed the chest hair near my collar bone so it wouldn't peek up through my collar. I was late, and chatted with Grant as I signed in. (Time Called, 10:30. Time Arrived, 10:35) The next batch of dudes were called in, but I hadn't filled out the info form yet. Grant tossed some sides at me and told me to just fill it out inside.

I was surprised at the collection of dudes I was included with. We were all pretty different in appearance, varying builds, varying levels of attractiveness, though I was still the palest. Only once we started slating for the camera did I actually look at the sides together with the guy next to me.

1) Kevin James, a teacher, furiously shakes a vending machine and is rewarded with various snacks. He finds that a weird kid has been watching him the whole time, and tosses him a bag of cookies for his silence.

2) Kevin James stumbles onto school property through the sticks, where he is greeted happily by delinquents who presumably just finished a phat jay.

When each person handed their info and headshot to the Woman in Charge she asked if they had a background in comedy, which I had always believed to be a subjective quality, and nobody said No. She later revised her query to include improvisation.

Some guys were very funny, even if they were just pulling off mild reactions. Some guy went "too far" at some point and she reminded us that this isn't theatre. I was a little worried. I happen to think I have great reactions, but I know that my facial features are really huge... I didn't want to go "too far" by accident.

When my turn came up, the Woman in Charge shook an invisible vending machine, moaning, "No, not today!" The she tossed me a bag of nondescript sandwich cookies, "You didn't see anything, are we clear?"

A girl had come in during the start of my audition and waited until the end of the take to ask WiC a question. I feel more pissed about it now then I did then.

Once she was gone, we did it once more. She didn't ask me about comedy or improvisation, and she didn't have me test for the delinquent.

I'd make a much better weird kid, anyway.



7 headshots remain.